Unchained Memory
by Rainey Lennyn
Summary: Years have gone by and Tahiri is a different person. Still haunted by Anakin's death, can she finally move on...back into life and more importantly, back into love?
1. Default Chapter

The twin suns rose in pink silence like a giant floating fruit over the horizon. Fresh and near to bursting, the air was cloaked in the sweet smells of the jungle; the lingering smell of dew and awakening flowers. It was strangely silent today as if the whole of the jungle moon was offering a moment of remembrance, joining the small figure on the top of the newly built Jedi Academy. The wetness of the dawn clung to her robes which in turn hugged her skin like a damp blanket, but she didn't care. Her long blond mane fluttered in the calm breeze, catching glints of sunlight and shining like cornsilk. She closed her eyes and opened her mind, joining her own mental voice in the song of the jungle.

It was the day she dreaded every year, the anniversary that had now come for five years. And for each of those years, she greeted the day on Yavin 4, the moon that had been her childhood home, that had given her a family. She greeted the day with a sense of thankfulness and yet always mourning. Today was the day she had lost him and with him, she had lost more of herself than she thought possible. Pieces of her heart, the brightness of her smile and much of her hope; all were things that Anakin had taken with him on this day.

She felt tears burn behind her eyelids and with a gasp she blinked hard and let them fall. They scattered like pearls onto her lap and distantly she touched the pattern they left with trembling fingers. Her hands were thin, the bones in her fingers prominent and graceful. She knew how she looked; it was in the eyes of everyone who stared at her pityingly or sadly. Bronzed, healthy skin but fragilely thin, jutting cheekbones and hollow eyes. Still as small as ever but lacking fire, painfully breakable, she knew she fooled them all. She knew what still laid dormant in her brain, the power and domination of the seed the Yuuzhan Vong had planted. 

It was under control now, had been for years, thanks to the unwavering help of the Solo/Skywalker families. She could now separate herself from the past, the memories, the other personality they had poisoned her with. She had shut down that part of her a long time ago, but deep within her, she knew the effects would always remain. Her fingers strayed thoughtfully to the wormlike scars still starkly noticeable upon her forehead. Every time she looked in the mirror, she was reminded and she liked it that way.

She had healed to the best of her abilities. More closure wouldn't come for years, years that could dull the memories. The pain rarely haunted her anymore; perhaps that was why today hit her so hard. Like a punch to the gut she roiled in waves of guilt and sorrow. They had told her that eventually the pain would cease but she hadn't been ready for it. 

She hadn't noticed when she stopped thinking about him. It used to be a normal occurrence, everything reminded him of her. The stars were his eyes, the sunlight was his smile, the hum of a ship was his voice. A sob escaped her, harsh and guttural. When had all that changed? When had she begun to move on? 

"Anakin." She whispered his name to the cloudless sky and imagined it echoing through the jungles, the only sound in the holy silence the moon was sharing. She could still picture him beside her, although his face was slightly out of focus now. Tall and dark-haired, eyes the bluest she'd ever seen, he had been her only friend and her first love. She could hardly recall a happy memory that didn't include him. He was as much a part of her as the Force was…So how had he slipped from her everyday consciousness? She had loved him desperately, the way only young loves can. His dying had both devastated and enabled her. She had become more powerful in the Force than any one could have imagined but the grief that swamped her for months afterwards had nearly killed her. 

Now that the universe had righted itself and democracy had once again united the galaxy, she had slowly began to fill her life back in again. She had taken to days and days of studying, meditating, fasting until she was weak, evolving into a Jedi worthy of Master Luke's tutorage. She had earned her title of Knight fairly but not without sacrifices. Every leap, every bound she made as a Jedi was plagued by the knowledge that Anakin was not reaching potential beside her. Instead he was some hero you could see in history holos-an idol that the young Jedis such as Valin Horn and his sister worshipped. He was gradually becoming more and more the martyr figure that the galaxy mourned in a distant, sad fashion. Lost was the persona of energy and selflessness that had been Anakin Solo.

Tahiri Veila missed remembering. She missed Anakin still; it was the one constant thing in her life, but lately she had found herself wanting to smile again, wanting to live life fully again. Something she hadn't expected to desire anymore. It was largely due to the devotion of the Solo family and the way they had taken her without question into their hearts. She frequently visited Leia and Han, had dinner with Jaina whenever the busy pilot was available; she had even babysat for the now five year old Ben Skywalker. Everyone had done their part in forgiving her, aiding her, being her friends. The guilt tickled at the back of her throat as another face battled Anakin's for the focus of her mind's eye. 

Jacen had been first to reach out to her and he had never given up, even though for a long time she was a hopeless case. Their friendship had been a beautiful part of her life, one she had never expected and now one she recklessly counted on. People whispered they were two of a kind, citing their captivity, their scars and the similar horrors they had faced. Tahiri knew better though. Jacen had a marvelous, patient soul, wise and handsome, gifted in ways only great Jedi are. She was worlds apart from Jacen Solo and only she knew the wish that went unspoken in her heart.

Lately she had been startling at his touch and warming at his smile. There was an unexplained reaction that happened to her whenever he was around. Suddenly her concave world was brighter and she didn't feel so lost. It hadn't bothered her until today when she sat mourning Anakin. Her guilt piled up upon her and she jumped to her feet, trying to clear her head with deep breaths. She couldn't betray Anakin, wouldn't betray Anakin. Gasping on dry sobs she fled across the top of the Academy down into the bowels of the building, desperately searching for some peace.


	2. Chapter 2

Jacen Solo felt her pain and confusion many floors down, interrupting his peaceful meditation. He breathed a sorrowful sigh and heaved himself out of his crossed legged position. He knew what tormented Tahiri today because it haunted his thoughts also. Today was the fifth anniversary of the day Jacen had watched his brother's body become an empty shell, the day a light had gone out for all future generations. His brother would have been great, much greater than anyone could have imagined and today across holonets around the galaxy, people were mourning him. Jason's sorrow went much deeper though. The loss of his little brother would never be completely erased from his heart. 

Standing slowly, his drab brown robes falling to his feet, he stepped into the hall, feeling out Tahiri's presence. He knew exactly where she was headed and he had no plans to intercept her. Some grieving was best done in solitude. At the thought of her pain, he cringed, hating the mental picture. She had changed in so many ways since he had taken her under his wing. They had spent innumerable hours together training in the force; he was her mentor but more than that, he was her guardian. It was Anakin's wish that he take care of her; albeit at times it was a difficult task. She had hardened like a stone but had also been refined like a jewel after a fire.

She was sharp and brilliant, her every move was caught and amplified by the sun. With a will like granite and a soul like the oceans of Mon Calamari, she was the most contradictory woman he had ever known. Women in his life, such as his mother and Jaina, were set in their ways. They were predictable to him after so many years; he had memorized their reactions, their choices. Even now Tahiri was a mystery to him. She had boxes of secrets he could never hope to discover. Sometimes there would be a mystery at the corner of her lips when she smiled serenely, other times it lingered in her sea foam eyes when she fell into thought.

He felt a stirring at the pit of his stomach as he imagined the curiosity her mysteries stirred in him. There were moments when he wanted to throttle Tahiri, scold her and be her protective brother like he was to Jaina. But lately when Tahiri had granted him a slow smile, he had wanted to kiss the mystery right out of her. He let out a disgusted growl and forced the thoughts and their effects from his body. He wanted to rant and rave against himself for the feelings that had been haunting him lately. And on today of all days.He grimaced inwardly and headed for the student commons, needing something to distract him from his thoughts.

He found no solace there either. Standing in the wide, arched doorway, he listened intently as Tionne sang the history and sacrifice of young Anakin Solo. Her beautiful voice dipped and swelled with the lament, and around the spacious room, sniffs echoed from the wide-eyed students. The lump in Jacen's throat nearly grew unbearable and he rushed away from the story teller and her audience. Blindly he jetted around the corner and nearly ran headlong into Tahiri. Her nose narrowly missed smacking off his breastbone and her head snapped up angrily.

"Watch where you're going, Solo."

Jacen winced at the blatant ice in her voice. He took a cautionary step backwards and waved her past, avoiding her desolate eyes.

"Sorry, Tahiri. You go ahead," he said, gesturing into the commons. Tahiri violently shook her head.

"I'm not going in there. Do you have a couple bolts loose today? I won't sit there and listen to them speak about him like that. So cold and distant. Sithspawn, he has a lament like an ancient Jedi. I can't hear him spoke of like a historical figure!" she exclaimed, breathing heavily, trying to reign in the anger tempting her. Jacen felt her struggle keenly. He rested a cautious hand upon her thin shoulder.

"It's alright. Let's take a walk, shall we?"

Tahiri relaxed under his touch, the hands that had healed so many parts of her since Anakin's death. She shrugged, stuffing her own shaky hands into the depths of her robes.

"Fine. But don't expect me to be pleasant company."

Jason chuckled, although it felt like a betrayal. He answered as they veered out a hidden door that led to the jungle exterior.

"Don't worry. I'm not exactly the most enjoyable person to be around today either. I don't think anyone really is," he paused briefly, and then continued. "No one expects to be okay today, Tahiri. Everyone understands."

"That's where your wrong, Jace," she sighed. "Nobody understands what's going through my head today. And no one ever will. Anakin was the only one who could ever do that."

As much as it shamed him, a little shock of hurt jagged through him. He quickly brushed it away, knowing Tahiri was in too much pain to be worrying about anyone else's feelings-especially his. He knew he was part of the underlying problem, the conflict that caused both him and Tahiri extra grief today. They were bonded by the fact that they felt like traitors. Tahiri's newly calm, quiet voice startled him from his thoughts.

"Have you talked to your mother? Is she doing alright?"

Jacen thought of the brief conversation they had had a few hours ago. For the first time in his life, he'd noticed his parents' age. His mother had looked drawn, skin stretched thin and eyes exhausted. His father hadn't looked much better. The gray in his hair had spread drastically and his grins looked weak, almost forced. They had both looked irreversibly weary and Jacen wished from his core that the universe would have been kinder to them. He sighed.

"Honestly, no. She's doing better than Dad, I think but not by far. I'm not sure if they'll ever recover from losing Anakin."

"Will any of us?" Tahiri asked in a tiny voice. She stared at the earth and dug her toes deep into it, feeling the damp cold and wishing she delve her whole self into the dark ground, escape the mocking bright suns of Yavin 4. She felt the lump beginning in her throat and desperately she swiped at the growing moisture in her eyes. She said, turning her back away from Jacen.

"You see, the horrible thing is that I have been recovering and I don't want that. I want to be miserable, Jace! I want to be incomplete without him! I don't want to heal."

Jacen felt his stomach tie into knots and he clenched his fists in confusion. He was torn into two huge pieces. Part of him wanted to be like Tahiri and stand alone in his grief, but the other part desperately wanted to wrap his arms around the slim girl before him. He let go of his doubts, threw caution to the wind and followed his heart. Gently so as not to alarm her, he slid his arms about her waist, knowing that at any second, she could turn on him, lightsaber wielded. Instead small sobs began to shake her shoulders and she leaned back against him as if he was a solid ferrocrete wall. Whispering comforting nothings, Jacen placed his mouth on the top of her head in a constant kiss and just held her. 


End file.
